My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Drunk is not a location!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
