Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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