I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
