I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
