I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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