I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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