i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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