Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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