no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
