somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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