I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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