so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
