The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
