Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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