It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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