he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Drunk is not a location!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
