I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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