More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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