nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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