We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
