She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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