I'm lost and stupid without you.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
