I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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