My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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