to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
