Just took my morning after pill in the library
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
