Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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