They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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