My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
