I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
