two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
