this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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