I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
