Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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