Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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