Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
