I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Someone signed my nipple.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
