My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
