I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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