The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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