he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
