i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm really busy with my period
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
