I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
