you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
