Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How does one acquire holy water?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
