If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
