Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize