he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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