I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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