i just wanna soil my oats bro
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
