I just saw a hot homeless man
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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