11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
