Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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