I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
How external is "for external use only"?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
