There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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