im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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