my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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