So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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