Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
